Wednesday, January 18, 2017

The Struggles of Acting Like 'YOU DON'T CARE WHEN YOU DO'

A new year has already started. 18 days have gone by. And I scored an interview in a local magazine, my bakery turned 1, and I have been learning violin since 4 months now. 
Well I started writing this post on the night of my birthday which was possibly the worst day of 2016 but decided not to post it. 
2016 was one crazy year I'd say, some people walked in and some walked out, and for me well it was a year of major realizations. And honestly not in a very nice way.
Anyone apart from my mom, dad, bhai, appi anyone who has been so closely associated with me in my good and bad times I don't matter to them anymore or I don't know if I ever even mattered to them. I call these people my friends. And lately I don't seem to have any at all. So it happens I've gotten so messed up of them walking out of my lives now and again that I fail to connect at all.
People now just see me as a 'baker' or an 'artist' who has a fancy facebook page who they'd want to befriend not as a person who could be a person they'd want in their lives for a long time. But just as someone who could benefit them at some point in life. Sure it used to make sense but not anymore. Not so much.
Recently I got this good news on the phone call while I was in university and then again like any other person I wanted to call someone up and share the news but the funny thing is 600 plus contacts in my phone and I didn't know who to call. Well I just ended up calling my sister.
Every now and then when my thoughts bother me I find myself baking at night or just listening to music at the highest possible volume.
I'd at times go out of my way to make somebody's day better, I think I basically became a baker because making people smile through food brought a different sort of satisfaction. Just being a part of somebody's happiness without any connection at all was something magical. 
And in the process of making everybody else's birthdays so happy and special I forgot  how sad mine have become over the years. So much so that even the closest ones didn't have 5 minutes of their schedule to make a simple phone call, no grand gesture was expected, no cakes no gifts but all I expected was just a stupid phone call on one special day of my life. Guess I was too selfish for that too cuz at times even that is too much to ask for.

Sure I'm 21 and an adult who should act like a mature person and not whine about it. But in a life where I live 364 days of the year acting like I don't care and I'm self-sufficient. I don't think asking for being pampered and cared on one day out of all 365 days is too much to ask for.

One of the risks of being quiet is that other people or even your closest friends can fill your silence with their own interpretation: You’re bored. You’re depressed. You’re shy. You’re stuck up. You’re judgmental. You have your 'dark phases'. Or maybe you're always rude. Yup when others can’t read you, they write their own stories—not always the one that’s true to actually who we are.

I don't even know how to express or talk or make a connection with people anymore cuz I've er forgotten to develop that kind of trust anymore. I've learned not to trust, I've learned not to believe what they say but to watch what they do, I've learnt to suspect that anyone and everyone is capable of living a lie. I came to believe that other people- even when you think you know them well- are ultimately unknowable.

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