Conflict within myself....

The need of wanting to be in control of everything all the time sometimes makes you even more vulnerable.

It's like a fight within yourself of wanting to be in control yet enjoying the freedom of carelessness.
You can't have it both ways.

You can either lose control and let things take their pace or be in control and still not be certain if things will happen as you please!
It's mindfuck isn't it?

What really is alluring about control?
Well control means security. We want to feel safe all the time. We want to belief that we've got it all handled. We want to know what will happen next so that we don't have to worry about anything else.
The truth is we are never in control.

At times I feel that we humans overthink every little action of ours in order to justify the things that happen to us.

The things I've been feeling since a week or two hit me with a realization that sometimes the over acheiver in me rears it's head every now and then trying to control the outcome of my actions if they don't go as planned.
The magnitude of my dreams and goals scare me because at times it feels like that's all I've got.
Yes I'm afraid of making mistakes. I'm super cautious of what I do and I wouldn't be willing to take a risk most of the times. As crazy as I want myself to be I still want to have control.
You can't be crazy when you have puppet strings attached to you.
Which in return makes my creative side suffer most of the times.
Yes it's a lava of frustration, helplessness, depression, sadness, anger. And it's not pretty! It consumes you.

It's messy to be in that headspace but what's even more difficult is to pull yourself out of it everyday and telling yourself it'll be fine!
Just keeping yourself together in front of people pretending it's all cool breeze and happy sunny days when actually there is a volcano inside you just waiting to erupt.

This fight within myself takes a toll on me. But now I've made peace with the fact that sometimes I should just let things be and stop thinking about every little detail.
There's no such thing as CONTROL.
But you can always BELIEVE that things will fall into place in it's own time.

Everything's changing.....& I don't feel the same

I don't know why m feeling the way m feeling right now.
I'm trying to reason with myself and my emotions
But I still haven't come to a conclusion.
I try to make sense out of nothing
Things still don't add up to why I feel the way I do.
I don't feel the same anymore
I don't know what same used to be anymore..
Feeling this way is becoming a routine now
And I'm afraid it'll become forever.

The Question Remains......

They say do what you love you'll always be happy!

It is so true, there is nothing like that feeling. But no matter how happy we get it's never enough. There just something that is always missing.
Don't get me wrong I don't mean to sound ungrateful here but that is the fact believe it or not.

You've got your path set out to do something you've always wanted. You have pre-planned literally everything yet you still feel like you don't have a purpose in life.

People ask you 'aur kya chal raha hai aaj kal?'
And you just nod your head and tell them your plans and that you've got it all figured out and you go like shit wtf inside your head.

Does that ever happen to you?
Feeling like you've been on this train and it's moving and you feel like you are actually going somewhere but the scene outside is the same throughout. It feels like a standstill even though the train is moving.

Do you ever feel like crying your eyes out and maybe you even do most of the days. But then you stop crying and you start to think why did you cry in the first place.
You don't know why you cried in the first place.
Suddenly the days start to feel longer then usual.
You just feel like sleeping all day long.
There are a thousand new things to binge on Netflix but you'll watch the same old shows on repeat.
You even try to talk to someone not exactly being able to explain how you feel but they just say you know you should just get some sleep it's the best medicine.

Infact all these nights you've just being trying so hard to sleep staring at the ceilings all night long.
And even at times you do feel like sleeping but you feel too tired to sleep as well.
There are things that need to be done but you keep delaying it, postponing it.
The people around you seem to disappear and reappear as they please.
You stop doing the things you loved doing simply because you just don't feel like just the thought of doing it feels like a burden.

The other day somebody praised my baking saying that "I love your baking so much I keep showing your creations to my mum." And asked me that what have I baked recently?
And I told that person that I haven't baked since a month and a half.
Her reply to this was "is everything alright? If you want to talk about anything I'm all ears."

To this I didn't exactly know what to say or how to react. Because I didn't know if I wanted to talk about anything or what exactly that 'anything' was.
I didn't know why I stopped baking. I stopped taking orders for a while I don't know why I did that.

There are weird outburst of emotions at times. It might feel like you feel something is wrong but you don't know what is it that's wrong. It just feels hollow and empty.