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While trying to stay away she lost herself among the crowd. Everything slowly started to lose its colour, things were changing fast. 
There was a whirlwind of emotions. 
There was chaos inside. 
There was satisfaction but no happiness. 
There was an unresolved feeling, which kept coming back again and again. 
It laid quietly within her controlling all of what she did. It engulfed her in it's ferociously beautiful waves. It engulfed her so completely that she felt like she was drowning underneath the waves.

She was not the same anymore. 

PARADOX

She was doing fine, getting on with her life like everyone else, doing what she always wanted to, but after a while it all just started to look meaningless. Everything stopped making sense anymore, there was a constant nagging feeling inside. A feeling even she was unable to explain, maybe she didn't know what it was or maybe she thought nobody would understand. 

She would just burst out in tears randomly not knowing what was wrong. Everything was getting to her. Everything was changing too fast. She didn't want to belong to this world anymore. She wanted to get away, sit on the beach all day long or maybe watch the night sky for hours.

She was a paradox. She wanted to be happy but she thought about things that make her sad. She was lazy yet ambitious. She didn't like herself but she also loved who she was. She said she didn't care, but she really did. She craved attention, but rejected it when it came her way. 

She was a conflicted contradiction. If she couldn't figure herself out there's no way anyone else ever could.

Baking- My Intangible Sanctuary

I never thought what once used to be my escape from everything, a mere pastime would soon become everything. Literally everything.
Yes I'm talking about baking :')

I'm not exaggerating at all. It is something that has been very close to my heart, something that I learned on my own, time and time again I used to make mistakes and that never stopped me. And thanks to my family to eat those cakes which at times didn't turn out right. I have treated them like my lab rats well not really khair.
You know that thing when you see someone cute and he smiles at you and your heart kind of goes like warm butter sliding down hot toast well that's what it's like when I see cakes and cupcakes.
Only it's better
  All those times when I used to experiment new recipes and techniques, making a mess quite often but then again learning at the same time. 

I didn't have an oven when I had first baked, didn't even have proper measuring cups :P I wasn't even sure if the cake would even turn out as it should.
All those late night work hours baking and decorating, that panic when I accidentally poured more drops of food colour than the required amount. But in the end all that was worth it.

Now when I look back I really don't believe it, I cannot believe that I've come a long way and now that I actually take cake orders.
What's even more pleasing and satisfying is the moment when my cakes bring smiles on other faces.
And it wouldn't have been possible if some people wouldn't have pushed me to do it, to make me believe that I can do it. Some people have motivated me so much over the time that I can't even explain it in enough words. 

That dream of having a patisserie now seems so real. All those times searching on google typing the words 'Le Cordin Bleu' still gives me goosebumps. Talking about it at times makes me weepy because it's all I have ever wanted to do or maybe more. My only fear is that I won't get to go there.
It's scary, you know having to believe that 'you don't always get what you want.'
I just never want to stop learning new things, just having to think that I won't be able to do that scares the shit out of me.

The phrase 'Best Friends'?

We'll be Best Friends Forever.
Usually this is the promise we make on the last day of our schools, thinking no matter what goes on in our lives we'll stick together. But little do we know that as our life unravels to various event these promises are left meaningless.
We growup.
We keep meeting new people everyday and sooner or later those best friends are left just as a contact on our phone lists.
That's not the case with 'best friends' only, even friends. You wouldn't even know how soon they would forget you.
They would just go on with their lives without realizing the damage that has been done. They never look back.
The word 'best friends' is just overrated
I've come across loads of people and they just manage to disappear after a while. For a long time I thought I had done something wrong but I was wrong.
You know how people adore you for the things you do or for how you look. They shower you with so many compliments for your work. It does make you happy right? Well I'm sure it would make anyone happy, even me.

But then again what really gets me wondering is the fact that if they really like me for real. 

Each one of us needs someone to listen to us, no matter how annoying we can get or how lame our jokes can be. They enjoy our company no matter what. And no matter how much we deny it we all need somebody to listen to us.
Cuz it usually gets weird when all those happy and bad feelings slowly start bottling up inside you. And you're on the verge of exploding. And you start to feel claustrophobic of everything and everyone.
Either in tears or just anger.
At times I find myself at the old places cuz I don't want to forget the memories that have already been made and forgotten by many. 

Well I guess sometimes we fight for somethings only to discover by the time we get it our goals been changed, for some of us it's too late, the lines have been drawn, and the damage has been done.
But other times you always get the thing you wanted  only to find out it isn't what you really need.

'Perfect' as we all say it.

'Perfect'. That is just the word that has pretty much messed up our minds or maybe our lives.
I'm sure everyone is very familiar with this word, infact we pretty much have a habit of idealizing the very perfect things in life. Not that they are perfect but we just like to see it that way because we just want it so badly. 
Just like we accept the love we think we deserve.
Isn't that right?

Haven't you ever dreamt of having the perfect job, or maybe the perfect life partner, or the perfect vacation?
Well yes each on of us has a different definition of perfect in our dictionary, we visualize all that stuff in our heads.

But we often do get so blinded by those perfect images painted in our heads that we start doubting the very things that come along our way. We stop giving anything a chance cuz it doesn't seem as good or accurate as the images we've already painted in our heads. it's the fear that takes over.
Trying out new things scare us because well what if it doesn't turn out the way you want it to be.

But lets face it no matter what we do we cannot control everything in our lives. 
But we cannot just wait and do nothing either because things don't happen on their own right? We've got to take chances, we need to stop doubting so much, we need to let go and have faith because well maybe good things don't always come in pretty boxes.

Tbh I'm guilty of doing the exact same thing but well I'm trying as well and so should you. 

Caged....

Fun is what we stop having when we start looking for it in our memories. That’s what we do right? Well that’s what I've been doing lately. Well to be honest I do believe in seizing the moment and living it but for some time I forgot that the present time is just slipping away from our hands.

I just got so lost in my previous memories that I somehow forgot what it was like to actually have fun or what it was like to smile at little things. I stopped exploring new things. I stopped talking to people. I became a closed book; well I still am to be honest.

There have been days where I would just stare at the blank paper for hours with a pencil in my hand not knowing what to draw or to doodle. I felt as if my hands had forgotten to do what they are best in doing. That’s when I realized what my worst fear was. There were also the days when I would just stare at the pages of my favourite book and not read a single word. And days when I wouldn't even feel like stepping in the kitchen to bake cupcakes. And then I would start crying not knowing what the reason was.

Weird?

I know.

In a place where I am free to do what I love I still feel as if I am shackled with chains. I feel as if I am free but caged at the same time.

I guess we all set so many boundaries for ourselves that there comes a point when you start feeling claustrophobic. The boundaries you had set for yourself eventually start suffocating you. And that’s when you feel that everything is going wrong even if it isn't.

You know it’s just another one of those things I don’t understand: everyone impresses upon you how unique you are, encouraging you to cultivate your individuality while at the same time trying to squish you and everyone else into the same ridiculous mould.

Irony Of Life

The time when you feel lonely is the time when you need to be alone. Yup that is life's cruelest irony.

Life never stops, as you keep moving forward in life you keep meeting new people but you keep looking back again and again, and think that all those people who were once a part of your present actually matter alot.
You know why you think that way? Because all those people influenced you in many ways, and being with them once used to make you feel good, but not anymore.

As you keep moving forward in life you keep looking back it's human nature. There's always something you'd want to go back to.

But life never stops for anyone at any point.

Everybody comes crawling to you when they have work from you but nobody gives a rat's ass when you need to talk to someone.

You lose yourself in this weird world where nobody could know you, you are surrounded by people you know yet you are still alone.

Your friends surround you and yet you sit alone.

You start crying at the drop of a hat.

You are free but you feel caged.

All they do is judge you for being silent.

Both Worlds

It's just so ironic that when you wish for that one thing, that one thing you've always ever wanted and that one thing you thought would always make you happy when you finally get it, it ends up making you not very happy.

Well maybe it does make you happy for a while but then after sometime it just loses it's charm.
It's just not overwhelming anymore.
It's just not that shiny new toy anymore.

Well I don't mean to sound ungrateful at all but I'm just stating the fact, that's how it is. Right?

At one point I used to think that satisfaction and happiness go hand in hand. But now I don't think that's how it is anymore. I don't know maybe I am wrong. Or maybe too many expectations just lead to disappointments.

You know how we think that when we'll get what we want, it'll just change everything. And that very picture we paint in our mind about that drastic change that's gonna take place. 
Well maybe that change is not very drastic maybe it's not even close to a change or maybe it's way too drastic, more than you ever expected.
That's exactly where your fear and disappointment starts.

Usually when you start a new journey of life, you feel enthusiastic and fearful at the same time. Enthusiastic for the new experiences that you'll be having and the fear of losing people who are important to you. 
And on goes those long weepy messages and those long promises of staying in touch forever. 
Then as you go along the path unravelling the new experiences ahead and when you look back, you realize that life goes on and nobody gives a shit whether you stay or don't. And just in a matter of time you know who really matters the most and who doesn't.

At times you just happen to push the right people away unintentionally and when you realize that, it's just too late. 

Clinging to old things is pure human nature. No matter how pleasant or unpleasant those things are but at one point, you certainly are going to miss them. 

You just can't let go and maybe that's the barrier to happiness.

Most of the times you just keep going back and forth. Back to old places to see those old faces just to keep yourself sane and forth because you have to.

And at times you just want to merge them both, have the best of both worlds. But too bad that just isn't possible.

Living the moments

Life is a big mystery, one just doesn't know what's gonna happen next, yet we still try to live in the future planning years ahead of us or maybe live in the past regretting the mistakes we've made or reminiscing those joyful memories instead of living the moments. 

That's what we do most of the time isn't it?

We've forgotten what it's like to live in the present. We drag ourselves out of our beds everyday dull, tired and grumpy, following the usual routine so sick and tired of our lives. 

We have the chance to make anything right but instead we'll just sit around and regret what we did wrong.

You know life is full of surprises, you never know when and where but truly there are surprises anywhere or everywhere. Well good or bad surprise I can't really say. 

Turn that corner you could meet a new friend, turn another corner there could be a job opening somewhere waiting for you. 

Turn around maybe you'll find the book you've been looking for so long but couldn't find it anywhere. 

Saying someone goodbye without even knowing that it could be your last goodbye.

You know that's life.

We just don't know what's gonna happen. 

And knowing all this, we neglect those things or those people who matter the most in our lives. We are just so busy being self-centred.

Open your drawer where there lies a book you never even wanted to read . Read that, you might end up loving every bit of it.

Try out something new,  you never know you might be good at cooking or painting or lets say computers or you might even be good at writing poems.

Just try, how would you know if you don't even try. You might end up finding a new talent hidden inside you which you didn't even know existed..

We've trapped our lives in this tiny screen called cellphones, I mean what's the point of any of this. Telling people what your life is like or what are you upto. Well trust me nobody gives a shit about it. Nobody will show up at your doorsteps when you need them.

End of the day nobody cares except for family or a few close friends.

There's so much out there to explore. You don’t want to miss it, do you?  Yet, we have stopped looking and we are missing it every day. We walk right past life’s surprises in the rush and rut of our routines.  We are just stuck in our daily routines or long-term promises. It could be we just stopped believing in surprises altogether.

At times I just feel like packing my bags and going somewhere. I don't know where but out of this place for sometime somewhere where everyone is unfamiliar.

Yes that's me wanting to explore the unexplored beauty out there.