Growing up I just knew I wanted to be an artist. That was my standard reply when any one asked what do you want to be when you grow up. At that time for me it was as simple as someone who draws and paints for a living. At that time I didn't know much about the wide spectrum of being an artist.
My educational years weren't that great either because be it school or college I was constantly neglected by teachers, I did not have a lot of forum to showcase my skillsets, because there was alot of bias when it came to picking students for extra-curriculars and unless you were a teacher's pet or you came first, second or third your existence would go basically unnoticed. Atleast that's what it was like with me.
I guess university time was when I truly found myself. Where I truly became aware of my skills, where I found some of the most amazing teachers who helped me see what I was capable of. I felt valued. And with time I started seeing myself explore the different fields of art. And honestly I fell in love with the pursuit. Tried design loved it, tried photography love that, tried animating hated it, tried learning music loved it. I touched upon multiple fields of art, some I loved, some I absolutely hated, I explored because I was curious.
I still am. And that's where the problem lies I think. My curiosity to explore other things does not let me stick to one thing. I want to do it all. Or I want to do nothing. I have two extremes. The idea of just doing one thing all my life and sticking to it irks me. And idk if I'm the only one who constantly feels this but there are so many things I want to do but I just don't find the time to do them. And when I do find the time I feel tired because of my demanding desk job which also pays my bills and helps me buy the things I need to buy in order to fulfil my creative desires. And that's where I feel stuck in between.
In another life I'd kick my desk job and say goodbye to it. But that desk job and steady income does pay my bills and the pursuit of working independently also scares me because in this world where creatives should be valued they aren't. They are made to feel useless. I did and delivered a job months ago for which I still haven't been paid. I have to follow up every now and then for the payment to be made. At one point it almost feels like you have to beg them for your own money. I've done multiple projects on the side to satisfy my creative thirst. The creative thirst that does not get fulfilled with my desk-job. And the same happened. As an artist I feel like a bird in a cage who can't seem to find her way out.
