Sunday, April 1, 2018

Conflict within myself....

The need of wanting to be in control of everything all the time sometimes makes you even more vulnerable.
It's like a fight within yourself of wanting to be in control yet enjoying the freedom of carelessness.
You can't have it both ways.
You can either lose control and let things take their pace or be in control and still not be certain if things will happen as you please!
It's mindfuck isn't it?
What really is alluring about control?
Well control means security. We want to feel safe all the time. We want to belief that we've got it all handled. We want to know what will happen next so that we don't have to worry about anything else.
The truth is we are never in control.
At times I feel that we humans overthink every little action of ours in order to justify the things that happen to us.
The things I've been feeling since a week or two hit me with a realization that sometimes the over acheiver in me rears it's head every now and then trying to control the outcome of my actions if they don't go as planned.
The magnitude of my dreams and goals scare me because at times it feels like that's all I've got.
Yes I'm afraid of making mistakes. I'm super cautious of what I do and I wouldn't be willing to take a risk most of the times. As crazy as I want myself to be I still want to have control.
You can't be crazy when you have puppet strings attached to you.
Which in return makes my creative side suffer most of the times.
Yes it's a lava of frustration, helplessness, depression, sadness, anger. And it's not pretty! It consumes you.
It's messy to be in that headspace but what's even more difficult is to pull yourself out of it everyday and telling yourself it'll be fine!
Just keeping yourself together in front of people pretending it's all cool breeze and happy sunny days when actually there is a volcano inside you just waiting to erupt.
This fight within myself takes a toll on me. But now I've made peace with the fact that sometimes I should just let things be and stop thinking about every little detail.
There's no such thing as CONTROL.
But you can always BELIEVE that things will fall into place in it's own time.

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

Everything's changing.....& I don't feel the same

I don't know why m feeling the way m feeling right now.
I'm trying to reason with myself and my emotions
But I still haven't come to a conclusion.
I try to make sense out of nothing
Things still don't add up to why I feel the way I do.
I don't feel the same anymore
I don't know what same used to be anymore..
Feeling this way is becoming a routine now
And I'm afraid it'll become forever.

Thursday, March 22, 2018

The Question Remains......

They say do what you love you'll always be happy!
It is so true, there is nothing like that feeling. But no matter how happy we get it's never enough. There just something that is always missing.
Don't get me wrong I don't mean to sound ungrateful here but that is the fact believe it or not.
You've got your path set out to do something you've always wanted. You have pre-planned literally everything yet you still feel like you don't have a purpose in life.
People ask you 'aur kya chal raha hai aaj kal?'
And you just nod your head and tell them your plans and that you've got it all figured out and you go like shit wtf inside your head.
Does that ever happen to you?
Feeling like you've been on this train and it's moving and you feel like you are actually going somewhere but the scene outside is the same throughout. It feels like a standstill even though the train is moving.
Do you ever feel like crying your eyes out and maybe you even do most of the days. But then you stop crying and you start to think why did you cry in the first place.
You don't know why you cried in the first place.
Suddenly the days start to feel longer then usual.
You just feel like sleeping all day long.
There are a thousand new things to binge on Netflix but you'll watch the same old shows on repeat.
You even try to talk to someone not exactly being able to explain how you feel but they just say you know you should just get some sleep it's the best medicine.
Infact all these nights you've just being trying so hard to sleep staring at the ceilings all night long.
And even at times you do feel like sleeping but you feel too tired to sleep as well.
There are things that need to be done but you keep delaying it, postponing it.
The people around you seem to disappear and reappear as they please.
You stop doing the things you loved doing simply because you just don't feel like just the thought of doing it feels like a burden.
The other day somebody praised my baking saying that "I love your baking so much I keep showing your creations to my mum." And asked me that what have I baked recently?
And I told that person that I haven't baked since a month and a half.
Her reply to this was "is everything alright? If you want to talk about anything I'm all ears."
To this I didn't exactly know what to say or how to react. Because I didn't know if I wanted to talk about anything or what exactly that 'anything' was.
I didn't know why I stopped baking. I stopped taking orders for a while I don't know why I did that.
There are weird outburst of emotions at times. It might feel like you feel something is wrong but you don't know what is it that's wrong. It just feels hollow and empty.

Monday, August 7, 2017

L O V E

She met you just like she met any other person in my life. People who stay and some who don't.
Little did she know that she would get used to your presence.
You were like an unexpected storm.
Pretty much the most unusual person she had ever had the chance of meeting.
But as times passed even the longer times spent with you seemed shorter.
The awkward silences weren't so awkward anymore.
She felt happy around you
She felt the need the assurance to know that you were there in her life even if your presence was non-existent.
She never asked for anything because she knew you well.
She knew it would push you away
To her it didn't matter how weird and unusual your thoughts were or how boring you thought she was, she wanted to know you, the real you and love you for you

At times we choose to fall in love with people who will never love us back. Why would we do such indelible things?

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

The Struggles of Acting Like 'YOU DON'T CARE WHEN YOU DO'

A new year has already started. 18 days have gone by. And I scored an interview in a local magazine, my bakery turned 1, and I have been learning violin since 4 months now. 
Well I started writing this post on the night of my birthday which was possibly the worst day of 2016 but decided not to post it. 
2016 was one crazy year I'd say, some people walked in and some walked out, and for me well it was a year of major realizations. And honestly not in a very nice way.
Anyone apart from my mom, dad, bhai, appi anyone who has been so closely associated with me in my good and bad times I don't matter to them anymore or I don't know if I ever even mattered to them. I call these people my friends. And lately I don't seem to have any at all. So it happens I've gotten so messed up of them walking out of my lives now and again that I fail to connect at all.
People now just see me as a 'baker' or an 'artist' who has a fancy facebook page who they'd want to befriend not as a person who could be a person they'd want in their lives for a long time. But just as someone who could benefit them at some point in life. Sure it used to make sense but not anymore. Not so much.
Recently I got this good news on the phone call while I was in university and then again like any other person I wanted to call someone up and share the news but the funny thing is 600 plus contacts in my phone and I didn't know who to call. Well I just ended up calling my sister.
Every now and then when my thoughts bother me I find myself baking at night or just listening to music at the highest possible volume.
I'd at times go out of my way to make somebody's day better, I think I basically became a baker because making people smile through food brought a different sort of satisfaction. Just being a part of somebody's happiness without any connection at all was something magical. 
And in the process of making everybody else's birthdays so happy and special I forgot  how sad mine have become over the years. So much so that even the closest ones didn't have 5 minutes of their schedule to make a simple phone call, no grand gesture was expected, no cakes no gifts but all I expected was just a stupid phone call on one special day of my life. Guess I was too selfish for that too cuz at times even that is too much to ask for.

Sure I'm 21 and an adult who should act like a mature person and not whine about it. But in a life where I live 364 days of the year acting like I don't care and I'm self-sufficient. I don't think asking for being pampered and cared on one day out of all 365 days is too much to ask for.

One of the risks of being quiet is that other people or even your closest friends can fill your silence with their own interpretation: You’re bored. You’re depressed. You’re shy. You’re stuck up. You’re judgmental. You have your 'dark phases'. Or maybe you're always rude. Yup when others can’t read you, they write their own stories—not always the one that’s true to actually who we are.

I don't even know how to express or talk or make a connection with people anymore cuz I've er forgotten to develop that kind of trust anymore. I've learned not to trust, I've learned not to believe what they say but to watch what they do, I've learnt to suspect that anyone and everyone is capable of living a lie. I came to believe that other people- even when you think you know them well- are ultimately unknowable.

Friday, September 23, 2016

The Mindless Misogyny

We go off to colleges and universities to study right? to learn what's out there, to get first hand knowledge from our teachers.

But there's just so much pressure on us by our parents or the society, that we are just constantly trying so hard to please people or trying to live upto their expectations.
I personally have seen alot of people pursuing fields they are not fond of, there are musicians I know who are just idk doing BBA for the sake of it, so many talented artists pursuing medical cuz well their parents wanted them to, but when some of us even have enough guts to stand up for ourselves and pursue what we've always wanted to do knowing all the consequences, and all we expect from our teachers is to respect us and believe in us when the rest of the world doesn't. 
And this stereotypical mindset of our Pakistani awaam nevers seems to change no matter how well anyone does in their field. 

Nowadays girls are going for careers that are mostly considered to be pursued by boys. There goes civil engineering, software engineering, animation, film-making, app developing and the list goes on. But then again why is it that we've labelled every profession in terms of gender. This gender segregation of occupations is really disrespectful at times, especially when you see it coming from your very own teacher.

And here I used to think teachers were supposed to motivate you more and more. 

Tell me one thing what amount of confidence would you be left with if your teacher who himself is in that very same field tries to pass on misogynistic comments in the class. 
No offense to all the teachers at all. I've come across some very good teachers as well and m more than grateful for having them in my life.

But well being someone who's really eager to learn animation, which involves alot of softwares and alot of technicalities, there's this mindset in people that girls aren't competent enough to learn all that. 
Take software engineering as an example, it involves coding, so this teacher said "aur larkion se toh coding hoti nai hai". I mean why on earth would a teacher pass on a misogynistic comment like that one. If that's how we are dealt with in classrooms what can we expect from the people in that very industry.

Then there is another teacher I recently encountered, so while taking introductions there were 5 girls from animation, when we told him our majors, he retorted "oh acha *in a judgmental tone* tou animation samajh ajati hai aapko? *asks sarcastically*

Another teacher from the business department once said "what would the girls do with a business degree other than get married and cook gol rotis".

I'm an entrepreneur who happens to run a home-based online bakery and an animation student and trust me when I say this, nowadays most of the homebased businesses are being run by females.
Varah Musavvir, the girl behind the brand Firefly,  holds 3 successful craft exhibitions every year in which more than 100 brands participate, most of which are run by young girls and women.

And this is not the first time and I'm not the only one who has felt this way. At times you don't look up to your parents for motivation because there's just too much pressure, you look up to your teachers every morning when you pull yourselves out of your bed in order to learn something new in the class. And when you get to hear all this it really leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
I mean you are in the 20th century for god's sake, open your minds a little bit.
If that's the kind of teachers we will now be seeing in our classrooms then I don't know where are we heading to. 
   

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Mindfuck!!

Some sleepless nights starring at the ceiling.

Somedays you are so close somedays so distant.

A labyrinth of time and emotions.

My mind wanders trying to fathom this disarray of thoughts and emotions.

And it often gets lost in the midst.