Dilemmas of an Artist

Growing up I just knew I wanted to be an artist. That was my standard reply when any one asked what do you want to be when you grow up. At that time for me it was as simple as someone who draws and paints for a living. At that time I didn't know much about the wide spectrum of being an artist. 

My educational years weren't that great either because be it school or college I was constantly neglected by teachers, I did not have a lot of forum to showcase my skillsets, because there was alot of bias when it came to picking students for extra-curriculars and unless you were a teacher's pet or you came first, second or third your existence would go basically unnoticed. Atleast that's what it was like with me.

I guess university time was when I truly found myself. Where I truly became aware of my skills, where I found some of the most amazing teachers who helped me see what I was capable of. I felt valued. And with time I started seeing myself explore the different fields of art. And honestly I fell in love with the pursuit.  Tried design loved it, tried photography love that, tried animating hated it, tried learning music loved it. I touched upon multiple fields of art, some I loved, some I absolutely hated, I explored because I was curious.

I still am. And that's where the problem lies I think. My curiosity to explore other things does not let me stick to one thing. I want to do it all. Or I want to do nothing. I have two extremes. The idea of just doing one thing all my life and sticking to it irks me. And idk if I'm the only one who constantly feels this but there are so many things I want to do but I just don't find the time to do them. And when I do find the time I feel tired because of my demanding desk job which also pays my bills and helps me buy the things I need to buy in order to fulfil my creative desires. And that's where I feel stuck in between. 

In another life I'd kick my desk job and say goodbye to it. But that desk job and steady income does pay my bills and the pursuit of working independently also scares me because in this world where creatives should be valued they aren't. They are made to feel useless. I did and delivered a job months ago for which I still haven't been paid. I have to follow up every now and then for the payment to be made. At one point it almost feels like you have to beg them for your own money. I've done multiple projects on the side to satisfy my creative thirst. The creative thirst that does not get fulfilled with my desk-job. And the same happened. As an artist I feel like a bird in a cage who can't seem to find her way out.

Untitled....

Life is not fair sometimes, you plan for something only to find out that plan has to change. 

You fall for people who don't fall back for you.

You'd go 100 miles for some only to realize they wouldn't do the same for you. 

You make decisions only to regret them later. 

You accomplish certain goals only to realize that's not your goal anymore.

You want to meet new people but it feels draining.

You have a job you are not happy with anymore but other people would kill to be in your place.

And it's a weird age that we are stuck in. There's a constant dilemma of wanting to be in control while telling yourself to go with the flow.

You want to switch off temporarily and go somewhere far off but there's a constant FOMO inside,

Some say enjoy and make the most of this time as much as you can. But we are are busy trying to figure out shit because we now have certain responsibilities.

Sometimes I can't slow myself down honestly I'd take too much on my plate constantly feeling the need to be busy. I sometimes would feel the need to sit down and breathe. Or maybe take a few days off for myself but I'm constantly left feeling guilty if I do so. My brain finds it difficult to shut off at night when I try to go to sleep. I find myself constantly tired these days.

I guess it's too overwhelming sometimes. One day you'd be way too confident about yourself other days you'd just be drowning in constant self-doubt.

In this fast-paced life I want to slow down. I want to feel enough.  

24/7 is the new 9 to 5 - Realities of WFH

With all the co-vid related stuff and mostly all of us working from our homes I feel I need to address this. Because it has been bothering me and my creativity alot lately.

With what's going around with all the fear in people of the current situation, of not being able to effectively detox from work stress and any other stress, not being able to meet your friends and family, of discovering that few of the people in your circle are now a victim of this deadly virus you are already stressed, constantly anxious and going through depression as well and I feel that companies and bosses have failed to understand what might be the current mental state of their team members.

It's almost been 3 months since organizations started the WFH thing and as it has been easy and has alot of perks it is needless to say that it has been more difficult than easy.
Organizations and bosses have taken the term corporate slavery to a whole new level now.
Initially we used to call this a 9 to 5 kinda job right?
But now its 24/7.

In this transition to working from an office to working from home, there have been many complexities: logistics, habits, systems, communication, to name a few. But the most pervasive problem is the (mistaken) assumption that 24/7 working is fair game.

It has honestly completely blurred out the boundaries of home and office now. And that is wrong on so many levels.
Even though tasks are assigned and deadlines are set, you are EXPECTED to respond on all times of the day even if it is a GOD DAMN WEEKEND AND YOU WANNA SPEND TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY OR JUST YOURSELF.

Ideally when your team is working from home, you should expect that work hours are devoted to working and non work hour times are reserved for personal time.

And honestly your bosses are supposed to set that tone. But here it is quite the opposite. They expect you to work on weekends as well and okay I understand clients have asked for it. Then it is your job to push back and say it's a weekend any feedback given after work hours will be done later. You SET THE TONE & EXPECTATIONS.

With the current situation of people getting laid off of their jobs people are already scarred hence they comply to any unreasonable requests as well.

And even if you try to point it out subtly that 'Hey listen its a weekend this can be done on monday' you are either thought of as not a team player or too selfish.
I mean hell I sometimes even feel guilty for taking a day off on days I'm not feeling well.
And I'm sorry to say organizations are taking that as an advantage.

I know people who have gotten paycuts because of obvious reason and they are overburdened with the same amount of work. And they comply with those unreasonable requests thinking 'Yaar atleast job tou haina what if ye loag bhi employees ko nikaal detay.
People are genuinely scarred because for some their families are dependant on their income.
Organizations are denying their employees public holidays because 'Oh aap tou ghar per hi hain why do you need a holiday'.

And with the Corona Virus not leaving us any time soon and this work from home getting extended even for a year maybe I think all these organizations are just burning out their employees which might later on lead to alot of anxiety, depression and other mental health problems.

The mind wanders.....

Today is weird because I seem to have this strange kind of energy within me. 

The one where I ask myself what is your 5 year plan. And I really don't have an answer to that. Yes I guess I've internally accepted that maybe 2020 is probably just about surviving and nothing else. 

But what after that? I mean yeah I know I tend to overthink alot about these things but maybe its because m really scarred of living the life I've seen most girls live in my society. Not that m saying it is bad. Its mostly about your preferences and priorities. I mean whenever I try to have this conversation with someone about my dream and goals the reply I usually get it 'Stop over-thinking man you are just 24 tumhari puri zindagi pari hai. 

I mean yeah sure puri zindagi pari hai but the society I've grown up in tends to believe that their is an expiry date for girls to get married. And you gotta get married within that age bracket. So there goes. I mean there is no such pressure on me to get married right away thankfully but this thing still exists. Tou kahan jati hai wo puri zindagi which people used to refer to? 

Because from what I see around me I see girls putting a stop to their careers, their goals right after getting married. In some case if you are lucky you get to fulfill those dreams after getting married too. But its so uncertain right. And m just scarred of ending up like that. 

You plan and plan and yet nothing is so certain. And sometimes I'm so uncertain of my own actions in the moment. I just do it maybe for the sake of fitting in or not appearing as uptight. Wanting that validation yet not. Sometimes I wish I could undo a few conversations, a few actions and meeting a few people in life. But sadly it's not photoshop that any action could be undoed.

Quarantine Feels

Quarantine Day god knows how many: To be very honest m kinda liking the work from home bit. It has taught me how to be organized. I guess m more disciplined now then I ever was. Apart from that the day just goes by with me stuck to my pc doing office work and taking regular breaks. 
Playing with my billa in between who kinda keeps me sane. Apart from that I've been trying to keep myself busy and doing something or the other to keep myself sane during this time. Painting a bit, I even took out my violin to play again, started reading a book. But honestly its hard. it really is hard. my emotions get the best of me. 
Amidst all this, the silence of the night that used to be peaceful for me before kinda haunts me now. Nowadays it's just too much. Anxiety slowly creeps in making me all teary and I try to find out reasons why that is happening to me. Fear takes over. 
Its slowly starts to feel a bit too claustrophobic in my own room. The constant news headlines, the constant reminder of what's happening. It feels like a war already but without guns. The fear of something that is invisible to the eye. The little things we took for granted has have been taken away from us. The monotonous routine life we used to hate is what we crave for now. No luxury travels, no materialistic things but simple things like hugging your friends, the shear importance of human touch, the chai we used to sip on at chai dhabbas with our friends, the unplanned trips to the supermarket. 
The ability to sit across from someone to talk. I suddenly feel too anxious to even plan ahead of time.   I just feel too nauseous and odd and even though m coping with it. I guess we all feel that way and I hope it gets better.

It's odd.....

It's odd how we love watching old simplistic movies where people talk about what they feel instead of playing around, its odd how we like the idea of raw love and fantasize about it but it's also ironic how we wrap ourselves in this logical bubble where we are too afraid of being in love hence everything we are willing to pursue is temporary. Yes life is temporary I understand.

We love the idea of being passionately in love but are too afraid to be vulnerable. We love the idea of staying up with someone and talking till 4 am at night but we are too afraid to reveal too much about ourselves because god forbid what will happen if they leave.

We are so used to being filled up with that temporary kick of feeling happy that when something can supposedly transform into real, it scares the shit out of us so we wrap our hearts carefully in a cling film of logic and facts keeping our emotions aside. And we lock it inside a box because we are so afraid of getting our hearts broken again. We get scarred of the thought of going through the phase once again.

We are a generation which loves freedom so much that we are in search for things and people who make us happy temporarily and then onto the next one.

And eventuaĺly in the end you just settle in because society wanted you to settle in.

We are a generation who is afraid of real things but are in love with the idea of it.

Conflict within myself....

The need of wanting to be in control of everything all the time sometimes makes you even more vulnerable.

It's like a fight within yourself of wanting to be in control yet enjoying the freedom of carelessness.
You can't have it both ways.

You can either lose control and let things take their pace or be in control and still not be certain if things will happen as you please!
It's mindfuck isn't it?

What really is alluring about control?
Well control means security. We want to feel safe all the time. We want to belief that we've got it all handled. We want to know what will happen next so that we don't have to worry about anything else.
The truth is we are never in control.

At times I feel that we humans overthink every little action of ours in order to justify the things that happen to us.

The things I've been feeling since a week or two hit me with a realization that sometimes the over acheiver in me rears it's head every now and then trying to control the outcome of my actions if they don't go as planned.
The magnitude of my dreams and goals scare me because at times it feels like that's all I've got.
Yes I'm afraid of making mistakes. I'm super cautious of what I do and I wouldn't be willing to take a risk most of the times. As crazy as I want myself to be I still want to have control.
You can't be crazy when you have puppet strings attached to you.
Which in return makes my creative side suffer most of the times.
Yes it's a lava of frustration, helplessness, depression, sadness, anger. And it's not pretty! It consumes you.

It's messy to be in that headspace but what's even more difficult is to pull yourself out of it everyday and telling yourself it'll be fine!
Just keeping yourself together in front of people pretending it's all cool breeze and happy sunny days when actually there is a volcano inside you just waiting to erupt.

This fight within myself takes a toll on me. But now I've made peace with the fact that sometimes I should just let things be and stop thinking about every little detail.
There's no such thing as CONTROL.
But you can always BELIEVE that things will fall into place in it's own time.