I can and I will. Watch me!

A recent outburst at a friend purged me to write this. And it just keeps going on and on in my head. 

So here goes, one thing I've learnt in a past few years mainly after I switched from BBA to Animation is that never let anyone tell you that you can't do something or you don't have it in you. Or you are just not cut out for 'it'.
It came from the person I least expected to ever say this to me, someone who has always been a constant motivator and a pusher, always pushed me to do better and more. Khairrr

Well there are somethings you do out of passion and you even feel the urge to pursue it as a career.

I love baking and m running a homebased bakery and someday I'll even be attending Le Cordon Bleu to pursue my dream as a chef. That's my passion. I get all blotchy and teary eyed when I see Marco Pierre White in the kitchen or when I read about his journey, idk I just can't help it. It is so inspiring and nerve wrecking at the same time.

Then there are somethings you do cuz you want to do them, those things are for pure pleasure or just one of those things you once wrote down in your bucket list. But you don't necessarily have to enjoy them, it's an experience.

And these are the things that keep you going. Knowing that there will be a new day to learn new things.

Just because I am already good at two or three things doesn't mean I can't try new things or that I should stop exploring cuz I've found my passion.

Guess what that's not enough. There is so much more to life than just two or three things. So why not try everything when you can. Why let somebody tell you that you can't do something.

And guess what if somebody ever said that to you prove them wrong cuz nobody gets to tell you that you are not good enough.

If you love something you don't let go of it you chase it until you get it or even if you don't get it in the end, atleast you won't be living with the regret that you never tried.

LATE NIGHT RANTS

He came in and screwed up everything

All fierce and strong

But sweet and naughty at heart

Maybe one of those few people she got used to in just a matter of time

He was just like an unexpected storm

Who came in and destroyed everything in a whiff

Leaving her with self-doubt

There were unsettling feelings within

He was distant and always a mystery, 

Many questions were left unanswered

Yet all those sleepless nights went by thinking what possibly went wrong

Bursting out in tears not knowing the reason behind it

It all seemed so real for some time

It was just one time she didn't resist from anyone coming into her life

It was like someone really genuinely cared

But then reality happened

Happened what always happens

People leave.

Conflicted Contradiction

It's weird how something which used to be your escape from everything that used to bother you also starts bothering you.

Something that once gave you pleasure slowly starts looking like an everyday chore.

Something that once used make you get out of your bed every morning starts making you feel weird.

Slowly everything starts getting to you.

The people, the place, the things and everything that surrounds you.

It feels claustrophobic

It feels like you are tangled and tied to everything.

And the more you try to untangle those knots, more knots are made.

You feel as if the outer forces are just too much to take in.

Like everything in this world makes you want to crumble or just hide

You want to try new things

You want to have new experiences

You want to meet new people

But just the thought of it seems too overwhelming

You resist too much

You are scared of losing control

You feel anxious, desperate and you feel constantly on the edge of losing control.

You want to get out of your imaginary cage but you don't want to.

You are a conflicted contradiction.

A Riddle

She never asked anyone to come into her life but people just found there way in somehow. I guess she was just like that painting, all colourful and bright on the outside, everyone wanted to get to know and for some reason when they did they were just disappointed cuz maybe getting to know her was not interesting enough. 

They eventually lost interest, that interest went away along with themselves just like a cologne slowly fades away, making her question her own personality. Maybe she was just not good enough.

She was so busy being herself that she forgot that that's not how people wanted to see her. She was just like a cologne, temporary. Always replaced by a  new one after sometime. After some time she just began to understand that she enjoyed her own company solely, much more than running after people for approval, experiences and answers to questions she did not know she was asking. 

Even if solitude was her choice there was always an unsettling feeling, some sort of fear, an unfinished business which even she didn't know about. Or maybe she did. Who knows

Untitled

While trying to stay away she lost herself among the crowd. Everything slowly started to lose its colour, things were changing fast. 
There was a whirlwind of emotions. 
There was chaos inside. 
There was satisfaction but no happiness. 
There was an unresolved feeling, which kept coming back again and again. 
It laid quietly within her controlling all of what she did. It engulfed her in it's ferociously beautiful waves. It engulfed her so completely that she felt like she was drowning underneath the waves.

She was not the same anymore. 

PARADOX

She was doing fine, getting on with her life like everyone else, doing what she always wanted to, but after a while it all just started to look meaningless. Everything stopped making sense anymore, there was a constant nagging feeling inside. A feeling even she was unable to explain, maybe she didn't know what it was or maybe she thought nobody would understand. 

She would just burst out in tears randomly not knowing what was wrong. Everything was getting to her. Everything was changing too fast. She didn't want to belong to this world anymore. She wanted to get away, sit on the beach all day long or maybe watch the night sky for hours.

She was a paradox. She wanted to be happy but she thought about things that make her sad. She was lazy yet ambitious. She didn't like herself but she also loved who she was. She said she didn't care, but she really did. She craved attention, but rejected it when it came her way. 

She was a conflicted contradiction. If she couldn't figure herself out there's no way anyone else ever could.

Baking- My Intangible Sanctuary

I never thought what once used to be my escape from everything, a mere pastime would soon become everything. Literally everything.
Yes I'm talking about baking :')

I'm not exaggerating at all. It is something that has been very close to my heart, something that I learned on my own, time and time again I used to make mistakes and that never stopped me. And thanks to my family to eat those cakes which at times didn't turn out right. I have treated them like my lab rats well not really khair.
You know that thing when you see someone cute and he smiles at you and your heart kind of goes like warm butter sliding down hot toast well that's what it's like when I see cakes and cupcakes.
Only it's better
  All those times when I used to experiment new recipes and techniques, making a mess quite often but then again learning at the same time. 

I didn't have an oven when I had first baked, didn't even have proper measuring cups :P I wasn't even sure if the cake would even turn out as it should.
All those late night work hours baking and decorating, that panic when I accidentally poured more drops of food colour than the required amount. But in the end all that was worth it.

Now when I look back I really don't believe it, I cannot believe that I've come a long way and now that I actually take cake orders.
What's even more pleasing and satisfying is the moment when my cakes bring smiles on other faces.
And it wouldn't have been possible if some people wouldn't have pushed me to do it, to make me believe that I can do it. Some people have motivated me so much over the time that I can't even explain it in enough words. 

That dream of having a patisserie now seems so real. All those times searching on google typing the words 'Le Cordin Bleu' still gives me goosebumps. Talking about it at times makes me weepy because it's all I have ever wanted to do or maybe more. My only fear is that I won't get to go there.
It's scary, you know having to believe that 'you don't always get what you want.'
I just never want to stop learning new things, just having to think that I won't be able to do that scares the shit out of me.