Conflicted Contradiction

It's weird how something which used to be your escape from everything that used to bother you also starts bothering you.

Something that once gave you pleasure slowly starts looking like an everyday chore.

Something that once used make you get out of your bed every morning starts making you feel weird.

Slowly everything starts getting to you.

The people, the place, the things and everything that surrounds you.

It feels claustrophobic

It feels like you are tangled and tied to everything.

And the more you try to untangle those knots, more knots are made.

You feel as if the outer forces are just too much to take in.

Like everything in this world makes you want to crumble or just hide

You want to try new things

You want to have new experiences

You want to meet new people

But just the thought of it seems too overwhelming

You resist too much

You are scared of losing control

You feel anxious, desperate and you feel constantly on the edge of losing control.

You want to get out of your imaginary cage but you don't want to.

You are a conflicted contradiction.

A Riddle

She never asked anyone to come into her life but people just found there way in somehow. I guess she was just like that painting, all colourful and bright on the outside, everyone wanted to get to know and for some reason when they did they were just disappointed cuz maybe getting to know her was not interesting enough. 

They eventually lost interest, that interest went away along with themselves just like a cologne slowly fades away, making her question her own personality. Maybe she was just not good enough.

She was so busy being herself that she forgot that that's not how people wanted to see her. She was just like a cologne, temporary. Always replaced by a  new one after sometime. After some time she just began to understand that she enjoyed her own company solely, much more than running after people for approval, experiences and answers to questions she did not know she was asking. 

Even if solitude was her choice there was always an unsettling feeling, some sort of fear, an unfinished business which even she didn't know about. Or maybe she did. Who knows

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While trying to stay away she lost herself among the crowd. Everything slowly started to lose its colour, things were changing fast. 
There was a whirlwind of emotions. 
There was chaos inside. 
There was satisfaction but no happiness. 
There was an unresolved feeling, which kept coming back again and again. 
It laid quietly within her controlling all of what she did. It engulfed her in it's ferociously beautiful waves. It engulfed her so completely that she felt like she was drowning underneath the waves.

She was not the same anymore. 

PARADOX

She was doing fine, getting on with her life like everyone else, doing what she always wanted to, but after a while it all just started to look meaningless. Everything stopped making sense anymore, there was a constant nagging feeling inside. A feeling even she was unable to explain, maybe she didn't know what it was or maybe she thought nobody would understand. 

She would just burst out in tears randomly not knowing what was wrong. Everything was getting to her. Everything was changing too fast. She didn't want to belong to this world anymore. She wanted to get away, sit on the beach all day long or maybe watch the night sky for hours.

She was a paradox. She wanted to be happy but she thought about things that make her sad. She was lazy yet ambitious. She didn't like herself but she also loved who she was. She said she didn't care, but she really did. She craved attention, but rejected it when it came her way. 

She was a conflicted contradiction. If she couldn't figure herself out there's no way anyone else ever could.

Baking- My Intangible Sanctuary

I never thought what once used to be my escape from everything, a mere pastime would soon become everything. Literally everything.
Yes I'm talking about baking :')

I'm not exaggerating at all. It is something that has been very close to my heart, something that I learned on my own, time and time again I used to make mistakes and that never stopped me. And thanks to my family to eat those cakes which at times didn't turn out right. I have treated them like my lab rats well not really khair.
You know that thing when you see someone cute and he smiles at you and your heart kind of goes like warm butter sliding down hot toast well that's what it's like when I see cakes and cupcakes.
Only it's better
  All those times when I used to experiment new recipes and techniques, making a mess quite often but then again learning at the same time. 

I didn't have an oven when I had first baked, didn't even have proper measuring cups :P I wasn't even sure if the cake would even turn out as it should.
All those late night work hours baking and decorating, that panic when I accidentally poured more drops of food colour than the required amount. But in the end all that was worth it.

Now when I look back I really don't believe it, I cannot believe that I've come a long way and now that I actually take cake orders.
What's even more pleasing and satisfying is the moment when my cakes bring smiles on other faces.
And it wouldn't have been possible if some people wouldn't have pushed me to do it, to make me believe that I can do it. Some people have motivated me so much over the time that I can't even explain it in enough words. 

That dream of having a patisserie now seems so real. All those times searching on google typing the words 'Le Cordin Bleu' still gives me goosebumps. Talking about it at times makes me weepy because it's all I have ever wanted to do or maybe more. My only fear is that I won't get to go there.
It's scary, you know having to believe that 'you don't always get what you want.'
I just never want to stop learning new things, just having to think that I won't be able to do that scares the shit out of me.

The phrase 'Best Friends'?

We'll be Best Friends Forever.
Usually this is the promise we make on the last day of our schools, thinking no matter what goes on in our lives we'll stick together. But little do we know that as our life unravels to various event these promises are left meaningless.
We growup.
We keep meeting new people everyday and sooner or later those best friends are left just as a contact on our phone lists.
That's not the case with 'best friends' only, even friends. You wouldn't even know how soon they would forget you.
They would just go on with their lives without realizing the damage that has been done. They never look back.
The word 'best friends' is just overrated
I've come across loads of people and they just manage to disappear after a while. For a long time I thought I had done something wrong but I was wrong.
You know how people adore you for the things you do or for how you look. They shower you with so many compliments for your work. It does make you happy right? Well I'm sure it would make anyone happy, even me.

But then again what really gets me wondering is the fact that if they really like me for real. 

Each one of us needs someone to listen to us, no matter how annoying we can get or how lame our jokes can be. They enjoy our company no matter what. And no matter how much we deny it we all need somebody to listen to us.
Cuz it usually gets weird when all those happy and bad feelings slowly start bottling up inside you. And you're on the verge of exploding. And you start to feel claustrophobic of everything and everyone.
Either in tears or just anger.
At times I find myself at the old places cuz I don't want to forget the memories that have already been made and forgotten by many. 

Well I guess sometimes we fight for somethings only to discover by the time we get it our goals been changed, for some of us it's too late, the lines have been drawn, and the damage has been done.
But other times you always get the thing you wanted  only to find out it isn't what you really need.

'Perfect' as we all say it.

'Perfect'. That is just the word that has pretty much messed up our minds or maybe our lives.
I'm sure everyone is very familiar with this word, infact we pretty much have a habit of idealizing the very perfect things in life. Not that they are perfect but we just like to see it that way because we just want it so badly. 
Just like we accept the love we think we deserve.
Isn't that right?

Haven't you ever dreamt of having the perfect job, or maybe the perfect life partner, or the perfect vacation?
Well yes each on of us has a different definition of perfect in our dictionary, we visualize all that stuff in our heads.

But we often do get so blinded by those perfect images painted in our heads that we start doubting the very things that come along our way. We stop giving anything a chance cuz it doesn't seem as good or accurate as the images we've already painted in our heads. it's the fear that takes over.
Trying out new things scare us because well what if it doesn't turn out the way you want it to be.

But lets face it no matter what we do we cannot control everything in our lives. 
But we cannot just wait and do nothing either because things don't happen on their own right? We've got to take chances, we need to stop doubting so much, we need to let go and have faith because well maybe good things don't always come in pretty boxes.

Tbh I'm guilty of doing the exact same thing but well I'm trying as well and so should you.