Dilemmas of an Artist

Growing up I just knew I wanted to be an artist. That was my standard reply when any one asked what do you want to be when you grow up. At that time for me it was as simple as someone who draws and paints for a living. At that time I didn't know much about the wide spectrum of being an artist. 

My educational years weren't that great either because be it school or college I was constantly neglected by teachers, I did not have a lot of forum to showcase my skillsets, because there was alot of bias when it came to picking students for extra-curriculars and unless you were a teacher's pet or you came first, second or third your existence would go basically unnoticed. Atleast that's what it was like with me.

I guess university time was when I truly found myself. Where I truly became aware of my skills, where I found some of the most amazing teachers who helped me see what I was capable of. I felt valued. And with time I started seeing myself explore the different fields of art. And honestly I fell in love with the pursuit.  Tried design loved it, tried photography love that, tried animating hated it, tried learning music loved it. I touched upon multiple fields of art, some I loved, some I absolutely hated, I explored because I was curious.

I still am. And that's where the problem lies I think. My curiosity to explore other things does not let me stick to one thing. I want to do it all. Or I want to do nothing. I have two extremes. The idea of just doing one thing all my life and sticking to it irks me. And idk if I'm the only one who constantly feels this but there are so many things I want to do but I just don't find the time to do them. And when I do find the time I feel tired because of my demanding desk job which also pays my bills and helps me buy the things I need to buy in order to fulfil my creative desires. And that's where I feel stuck in between. 

In another life I'd kick my desk job and say goodbye to it. But that desk job and steady income does pay my bills and the pursuit of working independently also scares me because in this world where creatives should be valued they aren't. They are made to feel useless. I did and delivered a job months ago for which I still haven't been paid. I have to follow up every now and then for the payment to be made. At one point it almost feels like you have to beg them for your own money. I've done multiple projects on the side to satisfy my creative thirst. The creative thirst that does not get fulfilled with my desk-job. And the same happened. As an artist I feel like a bird in a cage who can't seem to find her way out.

Untitled....

Life is not fair sometimes, you plan for something only to find out that plan has to change. 

You fall for people who don't fall back for you.

You'd go 100 miles for some only to realize they wouldn't do the same for you. 

You make decisions only to regret them later. 

You accomplish certain goals only to realize that's not your goal anymore.

You want to meet new people but it feels draining.

You have a job you are not happy with anymore but other people would kill to be in your place.

And it's a weird age that we are stuck in. There's a constant dilemma of wanting to be in control while telling yourself to go with the flow.

You want to switch off temporarily and go somewhere far off but there's a constant FOMO inside,

Some say enjoy and make the most of this time as much as you can. But we are are busy trying to figure out shit because we now have certain responsibilities.

Sometimes I can't slow myself down honestly I'd take too much on my plate constantly feeling the need to be busy. I sometimes would feel the need to sit down and breathe. Or maybe take a few days off for myself but I'm constantly left feeling guilty if I do so. My brain finds it difficult to shut off at night when I try to go to sleep. I find myself constantly tired these days.

I guess it's too overwhelming sometimes. One day you'd be way too confident about yourself other days you'd just be drowning in constant self-doubt.

In this fast-paced life I want to slow down. I want to feel enough.  

24/7 is the new 9 to 5 - Realities of WFH

With all the co-vid related stuff and mostly all of us working from our homes I feel I need to address this. Because it has been bothering me and my creativity alot lately.

With what's going around with all the fear in people of the current situation, of not being able to effectively detox from work stress and any other stress, not being able to meet your friends and family, of discovering that few of the people in your circle are now a victim of this deadly virus you are already stressed, constantly anxious and going through depression as well and I feel that companies and bosses have failed to understand what might be the current mental state of their team members.

It's almost been 3 months since organizations started the WFH thing and as it has been easy and has alot of perks it is needless to say that it has been more difficult than easy.
Organizations and bosses have taken the term corporate slavery to a whole new level now.
Initially we used to call this a 9 to 5 kinda job right?
But now its 24/7.

In this transition to working from an office to working from home, there have been many complexities: logistics, habits, systems, communication, to name a few. But the most pervasive problem is the (mistaken) assumption that 24/7 working is fair game.

It has honestly completely blurred out the boundaries of home and office now. And that is wrong on so many levels.
Even though tasks are assigned and deadlines are set, you are EXPECTED to respond on all times of the day even if it is a GOD DAMN WEEKEND AND YOU WANNA SPEND TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY OR JUST YOURSELF.

Ideally when your team is working from home, you should expect that work hours are devoted to working and non work hour times are reserved for personal time.

And honestly your bosses are supposed to set that tone. But here it is quite the opposite. They expect you to work on weekends as well and okay I understand clients have asked for it. Then it is your job to push back and say it's a weekend any feedback given after work hours will be done later. You SET THE TONE & EXPECTATIONS.

With the current situation of people getting laid off of their jobs people are already scarred hence they comply to any unreasonable requests as well.

And even if you try to point it out subtly that 'Hey listen its a weekend this can be done on monday' you are either thought of as not a team player or too selfish.
I mean hell I sometimes even feel guilty for taking a day off on days I'm not feeling well.
And I'm sorry to say organizations are taking that as an advantage.

I know people who have gotten paycuts because of obvious reason and they are overburdened with the same amount of work. And they comply with those unreasonable requests thinking 'Yaar atleast job tou haina what if ye loag bhi employees ko nikaal detay.
People are genuinely scarred because for some their families are dependant on their income.
Organizations are denying their employees public holidays because 'Oh aap tou ghar per hi hain why do you need a holiday'.

And with the Corona Virus not leaving us any time soon and this work from home getting extended even for a year maybe I think all these organizations are just burning out their employees which might later on lead to alot of anxiety, depression and other mental health problems.

The mind wanders.....

Today is weird because I seem to have this strange kind of energy within me. 

The one where I ask myself what is your 5 year plan. And I really don't have an answer to that. Yes I guess I've internally accepted that maybe 2020 is probably just about surviving and nothing else. 

But what after that? I mean yeah I know I tend to overthink alot about these things but maybe its because m really scarred of living the life I've seen most girls live in my society. Not that m saying it is bad. Its mostly about your preferences and priorities. I mean whenever I try to have this conversation with someone about my dream and goals the reply I usually get it 'Stop over-thinking man you are just 24 tumhari puri zindagi pari hai. 

I mean yeah sure puri zindagi pari hai but the society I've grown up in tends to believe that their is an expiry date for girls to get married. And you gotta get married within that age bracket. So there goes. I mean there is no such pressure on me to get married right away thankfully but this thing still exists. Tou kahan jati hai wo puri zindagi which people used to refer to? 

Because from what I see around me I see girls putting a stop to their careers, their goals right after getting married. In some case if you are lucky you get to fulfill those dreams after getting married too. But its so uncertain right. And m just scarred of ending up like that. 

You plan and plan and yet nothing is so certain. And sometimes I'm so uncertain of my own actions in the moment. I just do it maybe for the sake of fitting in or not appearing as uptight. Wanting that validation yet not. Sometimes I wish I could undo a few conversations, a few actions and meeting a few people in life. But sadly it's not photoshop that any action could be undoed.

Quarantine Feels

Quarantine Day god knows how many: To be very honest m kinda liking the work from home bit. It has taught me how to be organized. I guess m more disciplined now then I ever was. Apart from that the day just goes by with me stuck to my pc doing office work and taking regular breaks. 
Playing with my billa in between who kinda keeps me sane. Apart from that I've been trying to keep myself busy and doing something or the other to keep myself sane during this time. Painting a bit, I even took out my violin to play again, started reading a book. But honestly its hard. it really is hard. my emotions get the best of me. 
Amidst all this, the silence of the night that used to be peaceful for me before kinda haunts me now. Nowadays it's just too much. Anxiety slowly creeps in making me all teary and I try to find out reasons why that is happening to me. Fear takes over. 
Its slowly starts to feel a bit too claustrophobic in my own room. The constant news headlines, the constant reminder of what's happening. It feels like a war already but without guns. The fear of something that is invisible to the eye. The little things we took for granted has have been taken away from us. The monotonous routine life we used to hate is what we crave for now. No luxury travels, no materialistic things but simple things like hugging your friends, the shear importance of human touch, the chai we used to sip on at chai dhabbas with our friends, the unplanned trips to the supermarket. 
The ability to sit across from someone to talk. I suddenly feel too anxious to even plan ahead of time.   I just feel too nauseous and odd and even though m coping with it. I guess we all feel that way and I hope it gets better.

It's odd.....

It's odd how we love watching old simplistic movies where people talk about what they feel instead of playing around, its odd how we like the idea of raw love and fantasize about it but it's also ironic how we wrap ourselves in this logical bubble where we are too afraid of being in love hence everything we are willing to pursue is temporary. Yes life is temporary I understand.

We love the idea of being passionately in love but are too afraid to be vulnerable. We love the idea of staying up with someone and talking till 4 am at night but we are too afraid to reveal too much about ourselves because god forbid what will happen if they leave.

We are so used to being filled up with that temporary kick of feeling happy that when something can supposedly transform into real, it scares the shit out of us so we wrap our hearts carefully in a cling film of logic and facts keeping our emotions aside. And we lock it inside a box because we are so afraid of getting our hearts broken again. We get scarred of the thought of going through the phase once again.

We are a generation which loves freedom so much that we are in search for things and people who make us happy temporarily and then onto the next one.

And eventuaĺly in the end you just settle in because society wanted you to settle in.

We are a generation who is afraid of real things but are in love with the idea of it.

Conflict within myself....

The need of wanting to be in control of everything all the time sometimes makes you even more vulnerable.

It's like a fight within yourself of wanting to be in control yet enjoying the freedom of carelessness.
You can't have it both ways.

You can either lose control and let things take their pace or be in control and still not be certain if things will happen as you please!
It's mindfuck isn't it?

What really is alluring about control?
Well control means security. We want to feel safe all the time. We want to belief that we've got it all handled. We want to know what will happen next so that we don't have to worry about anything else.
The truth is we are never in control.

At times I feel that we humans overthink every little action of ours in order to justify the things that happen to us.

The things I've been feeling since a week or two hit me with a realization that sometimes the over acheiver in me rears it's head every now and then trying to control the outcome of my actions if they don't go as planned.
The magnitude of my dreams and goals scare me because at times it feels like that's all I've got.
Yes I'm afraid of making mistakes. I'm super cautious of what I do and I wouldn't be willing to take a risk most of the times. As crazy as I want myself to be I still want to have control.
You can't be crazy when you have puppet strings attached to you.
Which in return makes my creative side suffer most of the times.
Yes it's a lava of frustration, helplessness, depression, sadness, anger. And it's not pretty! It consumes you.

It's messy to be in that headspace but what's even more difficult is to pull yourself out of it everyday and telling yourself it'll be fine!
Just keeping yourself together in front of people pretending it's all cool breeze and happy sunny days when actually there is a volcano inside you just waiting to erupt.

This fight within myself takes a toll on me. But now I've made peace with the fact that sometimes I should just let things be and stop thinking about every little detail.
There's no such thing as CONTROL.
But you can always BELIEVE that things will fall into place in it's own time.

Everything's changing.....& I don't feel the same

I don't know why m feeling the way m feeling right now.
I'm trying to reason with myself and my emotions
But I still haven't come to a conclusion.
I try to make sense out of nothing
Things still don't add up to why I feel the way I do.
I don't feel the same anymore
I don't know what same used to be anymore..
Feeling this way is becoming a routine now
And I'm afraid it'll become forever.

The Question Remains......

They say do what you love you'll always be happy!

It is so true, there is nothing like that feeling. But no matter how happy we get it's never enough. There just something that is always missing.
Don't get me wrong I don't mean to sound ungrateful here but that is the fact believe it or not.

You've got your path set out to do something you've always wanted. You have pre-planned literally everything yet you still feel like you don't have a purpose in life.

People ask you 'aur kya chal raha hai aaj kal?'
And you just nod your head and tell them your plans and that you've got it all figured out and you go like shit wtf inside your head.

Does that ever happen to you?
Feeling like you've been on this train and it's moving and you feel like you are actually going somewhere but the scene outside is the same throughout. It feels like a standstill even though the train is moving.

Do you ever feel like crying your eyes out and maybe you even do most of the days. But then you stop crying and you start to think why did you cry in the first place.
You don't know why you cried in the first place.
Suddenly the days start to feel longer then usual.
You just feel like sleeping all day long.
There are a thousand new things to binge on Netflix but you'll watch the same old shows on repeat.
You even try to talk to someone not exactly being able to explain how you feel but they just say you know you should just get some sleep it's the best medicine.

Infact all these nights you've just being trying so hard to sleep staring at the ceilings all night long.
And even at times you do feel like sleeping but you feel too tired to sleep as well.
There are things that need to be done but you keep delaying it, postponing it.
The people around you seem to disappear and reappear as they please.
You stop doing the things you loved doing simply because you just don't feel like just the thought of doing it feels like a burden.

The other day somebody praised my baking saying that "I love your baking so much I keep showing your creations to my mum." And asked me that what have I baked recently?
And I told that person that I haven't baked since a month and a half.
Her reply to this was "is everything alright? If you want to talk about anything I'm all ears."

To this I didn't exactly know what to say or how to react. Because I didn't know if I wanted to talk about anything or what exactly that 'anything' was.
I didn't know why I stopped baking. I stopped taking orders for a while I don't know why I did that.

There are weird outburst of emotions at times. It might feel like you feel something is wrong but you don't know what is it that's wrong. It just feels hollow and empty.

L O V E

She met you just like she met any other person in my life. People who stay and some who don't.
Little did she know that she would get used to your presence.
You were like an unexpected storm.
Pretty much the most unusual person she had ever had the chance of meeting.
But as times passed even the longer times spent with you seemed shorter.
The awkward silences weren't so awkward anymore.
She felt happy around you
She felt the need the assurance to know that you were there in her life even if your presence was non-existent.
She never asked for anything because she knew you well.
She knew it would push you away
To her it didn't matter how weird and unusual your thoughts were or how boring you thought she was, she wanted to know you, the real you and love you for you

At times we choose to fall in love with people who will never love us back. Why would we do such indelible things?

The Struggles of Acting Like 'YOU DON'T CARE WHEN YOU DO'

A new year has already started. 18 days have gone by. And I scored an interview in a local magazine, my bakery turned 1, and I have been learning violin since 4 months now. 

Well I started writing this post on the night of my birthday which was possibly the worst day of 2016 but decided not to post it. 

2016 was one crazy year I'd say, some people walked in and some walked out, and for me well it was a year of major realizations. And honestly not in a very nice way.

Anyone apart from my mom, dad, bhai, appi anyone who has been so closely associated with me in my good and bad times I don't matter to them anymore or I don't know if I ever even mattered to them. I call these people my friends. And lately I don't seem to have any at all. So it happens I've gotten so messed up of them walking out of my lives now and again that I fail to connect at all.

People now just see me as a 'baker' or an 'artist' who has a fancy facebook page who they'd want to befriend not as a person who could be a person they'd want in their lives for a long time. But just as someone who could benefit them at some point in life. Sure it used to make sense but not anymore. Not so much.

Recently I got this good news on the phone call while I was in university and then again like any other person I wanted to call someone up and share the news but the funny thing is 600 plus contacts in my phone and I didn't know who to call. Well I just ended up calling my sister.

Every now and then when my thoughts bother me I find myself baking at night or just listening to music at the highest possible volume.

I'd at times go out of my way to make somebody's day better, I think I basically became a baker because making people smile through food brought a different sort of satisfaction. Just being a part of somebody's happiness without any connection at all was something magical. 

And in the process of making everybody else's birthdays so happy and special I forgot  how sad mine have become over the years. So much so that even the closest ones didn't have 5 minutes of their schedule to make a simple phone call, no grand gesture was expected, no cakes no gifts but all I expected was just a stupid phone call on one special day of my life. Guess I was too selfish for that too cuz at times even that is too much to ask for.

Sure I'm 21 and an adult who should act like a mature person and not whine about it. But in a life where I live 364 days of the year acting like I don't care and I'm self-sufficient. I don't think asking for being pampered and cared on one day out of all 365 days is too much to ask for.

One of the risks of being quiet is that other people or even your closest friends can fill your silence with their own interpretation: You’re bored. You’re depressed. You’re shy. You’re stuck up. You’re judgmental. You have your 'dark phases'. Or maybe you're always rude. Yup when others can’t read you, they write their own stories—not always the one that’s true to actually who we are.

I don't even know how to express or talk or make a connection with people anymore cuz I've er forgotten to develop that kind of trust anymore. I've learned not to trust, I've learned not to believe what they say but to watch what they do, I've learnt to suspect that anyone and everyone is capable of living a lie. I came to believe that other people- even when you think you know them well- are ultimately unknowable.

The Mindless Misogyny

We go off to colleges and universities to study right? to learn what's out there, to get first hand knowledge from our teachers.

But there's just so much pressure on us by our parents or the society, that we are just constantly trying so hard to please people or trying to live upto their expectations.
I personally have seen alot of people pursuing fields they are not fond of, there are musicians I know who are just idk doing BBA for the sake of it, so many talented artists pursuing medical cuz well their parents wanted them to, but when some of us even have enough guts to stand up for ourselves and pursue what we've always wanted to do knowing all the consequences, and all we expect from our teachers is to respect us and believe in us when the rest of the world doesn't. 

And this stereotypical mindset of our Pakistani awaam nevers seems to change no matter how well anyone does in their field. 

Nowadays girls are going for careers that are mostly considered to be pursued by boys. There goes civil engineering, software engineering, animation, film-making, app developing and the list goes on. But then again why is it that we've labelled every profession in terms of gender. This gender segregation of occupations is really disrespectful at times, especially when you see it coming from your very own teacher.

And here I used to think teachers were supposed to motivate you more and more. 

Tell me one thing what amount of confidence would you be left with if your teacher who himself is in that very same field tries to pass on misogynistic comments in the class. 

No offense to all the teachers at all. I've come across some very good teachers as well and m more than grateful for having them in my life.

But well being someone who's really eager to learn animation, which involves alot of softwares and alot of technicalities, there's this mindset in people that girls aren't competent enough to learn all that. 

Take software engineering as an example, it involves coding, so this teacher said "aur larkion se toh coding hoti nai hai". I mean why on earth would a teacher pass on a misogynistic comment like that one. If that's how we are dealt with in classrooms what can we expect from the people in that very industry.

Then there is another teacher I recently encountered, so while taking introductions there were 5 girls from animation, when we told him our majors, he retorted "oh acha *in a judgmental tone* tou animation samajh ajati hai aapko? *asks sarcastically*

Another teacher from the business department once said "what would the girls do with a business degree other than get married and cook gol rotis".

I'm an entrepreneur who happens to run a home-based online bakery and an animation student and trust me when I say this, nowadays most of the homebased businesses are being run by females.
Varah Musavvir, the girl behind the brand Firefly,  holds 3 successful craft exhibitions every year in which more than 100 brands participate, most of which are run by young girls and women.

And this is not the first time and I'm not the only one who has felt this way. At times you don't look up to your parents for motivation because there's just too much pressure, you look up to your teachers every morning when you pull yourselves out of your bed in order to learn something new in the class. And when you get to hear all this it really leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
I mean you are in the 20th century for god's sake, open your minds a little bit.
If that's the kind of teachers we will now be seeing in our classrooms then I don't know where are we heading to. 

   

Mindfuck!!

Some sleepless nights starring at the ceiling.

Somedays you are so close somedays so distant.

A labyrinth of time and emotions.

My mind wanders trying to fathom this disarray of thoughts and emotions.

And it often gets lost in the midst.

I can and I will. Watch me!

A recent outburst at a friend purged me to write this. And it just keeps going on and on in my head. 

So here goes, one thing I've learnt in a past few years mainly after I switched from BBA to Animation is that never let anyone tell you that you can't do something or you don't have it in you. Or you are just not cut out for 'it'.
It came from the person I least expected to ever say this to me, someone who has always been a constant motivator and a pusher, always pushed me to do better and more. Khairrr

Well there are somethings you do out of passion and you even feel the urge to pursue it as a career.

I love baking and m running a homebased bakery and someday I'll even be attending Le Cordon Bleu to pursue my dream as a chef. That's my passion. I get all blotchy and teary eyed when I see Marco Pierre White in the kitchen or when I read about his journey, idk I just can't help it. It is so inspiring and nerve wrecking at the same time.

Then there are somethings you do cuz you want to do them, those things are for pure pleasure or just one of those things you once wrote down in your bucket list. But you don't necessarily have to enjoy them, it's an experience.

And these are the things that keep you going. Knowing that there will be a new day to learn new things.

Just because I am already good at two or three things doesn't mean I can't try new things or that I should stop exploring cuz I've found my passion.

Guess what that's not enough. There is so much more to life than just two or three things. So why not try everything when you can. Why let somebody tell you that you can't do something.

And guess what if somebody ever said that to you prove them wrong cuz nobody gets to tell you that you are not good enough.

If you love something you don't let go of it you chase it until you get it or even if you don't get it in the end, atleast you won't be living with the regret that you never tried.

LATE NIGHT RANTS

He came in and screwed up everything

All fierce and strong

But sweet and naughty at heart

Maybe one of those few people she got used to in just a matter of time

He was just like an unexpected storm

Who came in and destroyed everything in a whiff

Leaving her with self-doubt

There were unsettling feelings within

He was distant and always a mystery, 

Many questions were left unanswered

Yet all those sleepless nights went by thinking what possibly went wrong

Bursting out in tears not knowing the reason behind it

It all seemed so real for some time

It was just one time she didn't resist from anyone coming into her life

It was like someone really genuinely cared

But then reality happened

Happened what always happens

People leave.

Conflicted Contradiction

It's weird how something which used to be your escape from everything that used to bother you also starts bothering you.

Something that once gave you pleasure slowly starts looking like an everyday chore.

Something that once used make you get out of your bed every morning starts making you feel weird.

Slowly everything starts getting to you.

The people, the place, the things and everything that surrounds you.

It feels claustrophobic

It feels like you are tangled and tied to everything.

And the more you try to untangle those knots, more knots are made.

You feel as if the outer forces are just too much to take in.

Like everything in this world makes you want to crumble or just hide

You want to try new things

You want to have new experiences

You want to meet new people

But just the thought of it seems too overwhelming

You resist too much

You are scared of losing control

You feel anxious, desperate and you feel constantly on the edge of losing control.

You want to get out of your imaginary cage but you don't want to.

You are a conflicted contradiction.

A Riddle

She never asked anyone to come into her life but people just found there way in somehow. I guess she was just like that painting, all colourful and bright on the outside, everyone wanted to get to know and for some reason when they did they were just disappointed cuz maybe getting to know her was not interesting enough. 

They eventually lost interest, that interest went away along with themselves just like a cologne slowly fades away, making her question her own personality. Maybe she was just not good enough.

She was so busy being herself that she forgot that that's not how people wanted to see her. She was just like a cologne, temporary. Always replaced by a  new one after sometime. After some time she just began to understand that she enjoyed her own company solely, much more than running after people for approval, experiences and answers to questions she did not know she was asking. 

Even if solitude was her choice there was always an unsettling feeling, some sort of fear, an unfinished business which even she didn't know about. Or maybe she did. Who knows

Untitled

While trying to stay away she lost herself among the crowd. Everything slowly started to lose its colour, things were changing fast. 
There was a whirlwind of emotions. 
There was chaos inside. 
There was satisfaction but no happiness. 
There was an unresolved feeling, which kept coming back again and again. 
It laid quietly within her controlling all of what she did. It engulfed her in it's ferociously beautiful waves. It engulfed her so completely that she felt like she was drowning underneath the waves.

She was not the same anymore. 

PARADOX

She was doing fine, getting on with her life like everyone else, doing what she always wanted to, but after a while it all just started to look meaningless. Everything stopped making sense anymore, there was a constant nagging feeling inside. A feeling even she was unable to explain, maybe she didn't know what it was or maybe she thought nobody would understand. 

She would just burst out in tears randomly not knowing what was wrong. Everything was getting to her. Everything was changing too fast. She didn't want to belong to this world anymore. She wanted to get away, sit on the beach all day long or maybe watch the night sky for hours.

She was a paradox. She wanted to be happy but she thought about things that make her sad. She was lazy yet ambitious. She didn't like herself but she also loved who she was. She said she didn't care, but she really did. She craved attention, but rejected it when it came her way. 

She was a conflicted contradiction. If she couldn't figure herself out there's no way anyone else ever could.

Baking- My Intangible Sanctuary

I never thought what once used to be my escape from everything, a mere pastime would soon become everything. Literally everything.
Yes I'm talking about baking :')

I'm not exaggerating at all. It is something that has been very close to my heart, something that I learned on my own, time and time again I used to make mistakes and that never stopped me. And thanks to my family to eat those cakes which at times didn't turn out right. I have treated them like my lab rats well not really khair.
You know that thing when you see someone cute and he smiles at you and your heart kind of goes like warm butter sliding down hot toast well that's what it's like when I see cakes and cupcakes.
Only it's better
  All those times when I used to experiment new recipes and techniques, making a mess quite often but then again learning at the same time. 

I didn't have an oven when I had first baked, didn't even have proper measuring cups :P I wasn't even sure if the cake would even turn out as it should.
All those late night work hours baking and decorating, that panic when I accidentally poured more drops of food colour than the required amount. But in the end all that was worth it.

Now when I look back I really don't believe it, I cannot believe that I've come a long way and now that I actually take cake orders.
What's even more pleasing and satisfying is the moment when my cakes bring smiles on other faces.
And it wouldn't have been possible if some people wouldn't have pushed me to do it, to make me believe that I can do it. Some people have motivated me so much over the time that I can't even explain it in enough words. 

That dream of having a patisserie now seems so real. All those times searching on google typing the words 'Le Cordin Bleu' still gives me goosebumps. Talking about it at times makes me weepy because it's all I have ever wanted to do or maybe more. My only fear is that I won't get to go there.
It's scary, you know having to believe that 'you don't always get what you want.'
I just never want to stop learning new things, just having to think that I won't be able to do that scares the shit out of me.